The hardest thing about starting new relationships is TRUST. Trust is a funny thing; it’s a bridge that if it gets burned once it’ll diminish forever. Messing around with trust is like dropping a glass cup to the ground or breaking a mirror. Once the trust is gone, it’s gone. Living with this fear is miserable. It closes doors and opportunities that could lead to lifelong memories. For the longest time I believed you must first find trust in something before diving in; you must know exactly what you are getting yourself into before going through with the decision. My morals and values are challenged every single day here in India. I’ve come to find that if I don’t first take a risk I’ll never learn to trust or understand trust.
To trust takes true courage. I must have been a coward all my life because I only did things I trusted I’d succeed in and/or am familiar with such as being around the same people, Hmong-dancing, poetry, driving, writing memoirs about my mom, etc. I only trusted the people I grew up knowing, like my family and loved ones. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that – it’s great to have some sort of solid foundation of what makes Kia Kia. But the problem is I’ve never allowed myself to do something unfamiliar, something different such as take the public transportation, learn about auto parts, watch football, party, date, etc. I’ve always followed the same routine day-in and day-out. I was too comfortable being in my comfortable zone which didn’t allow me to change and grow.
Here in India I have no choice but to change and grow. If I don’t adapt I’ll die (not literally). And the hardest part is trusting – especially trusting this city called Kolkata. Every day, from the moment I leave my house to the moment I return, I have to battle this trust conflict. I’m slowly starting to notice the more walls I put up the more insecure and threatened I feel; the more I tell myself to just trust this city and the people within the more comfortable and enlightened I feel. I just have to trust the situation and trust that I am in good hands. I have to trust that the rickshaw guy will take to the metro without getting into an accident; that the strangers in the rickshaw I get on will not do malicious things to me; that the people standing behind me in the metro will not unzip my backpack and steal my stuff; that the pedestrians walking beside me on Park Street will not pick-pocket me; that the taxis will slow down a bit when I cross the street; that no one is purposely out there to get me. And if any of these trusts get abused then it’s my lost. Too bad, so sad.
It’s frightening to just let myself fall. I’m so scared that if the trust is abused I’ll never be able to enjoy India anymore. But this is a courage within me I’ve never known I owned. Every day I just tell myself that if I do fall and get injured, the scar will teach me a life-lesson I would not have known about if I hadn’t fall at all.
So I’m slowly learning to trust this city and the people within it. No one has harmed or abused my trust yet (except that Raj guy). No more living with fear, Kia. You’re tougher than that.